Feminism: Are We Going Too Far?

Oh feminism, you either love it or you hate it. I used to think that all feminists were radical and over the top, like the women in the video Men, Women and the Sex Difference by John Stossel (http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=18&EndCue=2839&VideoName=5687_vcs&VideoType=libraryvideos). To me these women always seemed to have it so incredibly backwards. Men and women are different, many of these claims of discrimination just couldn't be true and honestly there really is no sexism left in the U.S. Those were all my thoughts. Then I saw it. It started when I got a job as a mover, doing mostly military moves. I was making $9.50 an hour doing the exact same job as the men whose starting wage was $15 an hour. I knew I was doing the exact same amount as the guys and my foreman often said how I he'd take me over any three guys on the team any day.  Next came the gates to the airforce base. I always drove because most of the guys had suspended licenses. We had to show our IDs when we stopped to get the trucks inspected and again when we drove through the gates. 100% of the time the IDs were handed back to a male even though I, as the driver, needed them to present at the gates. Finally, was the comments on how this was a mans job and maybe I was just there to supervise or get snacks. Now I understood the anger of the women in the feminist movement.
Now I was confused. I knew that men and women have distinct and eternal differences, I have the most trustworthy sources,  such as The Family: A Proclamation to the World (https://www.lds.org/liahona/2017/05/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng), that state that, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose." But now I had this view that some viewed me as unequal and maybe I needed to fight to make up for that. I struggled for a while trying to find a balance. And then it clicked. It is a balancing act. Yes indeed sexism still exists, some people (men and women), still act like women are incapable of doing things that men can do.I see that now. I also realize that the popular form of feminism currently involves degrading men and diminishing their sacred roles just as much as us women feel ours have been diminished. This is not the way to solve the problem. If we tip the scales too far one way or another than our divine nature inherited by the fact that we are God's children begins to be clouded. We each have infinite potential, we each also have unique talents. Some of those talents come from gender roles. We must learn of the gender roles assigned by God, then accept that each human has infinite worth and abilities. The key to the balance of these things is doing it with love, love for God and our fellow men. When we allow love to enter into our hearts instead of anger the issue of sexism and gender roles dissolves into a better functioning society.

Culture and Class

Every time I hear the words social class or socioeconomic status I cringe a little. I usually know what is coming next, a rant. The big speech about how "we as white American's have it so much better than we think." Lectures on minority groups and people in other countries who have it worse than all of us. Over and over and over again. It used to make me sick to my stomach that I did not fully appreciate what I had, but I've come to see it all in a new light. When I was twelve we were so poor that often the only food I would get during the week was the free school lunches. I could see my mom struggling to provide for her children without much success. At that time I was too young to legally work anywhere so I took beads I had inherited from my grandma and started selling homemade jewelry to help pay for groceries. That was around the first time I heard of socioeconomic status in a social studies class. The teacher guaranteed us that no one in the room fell below the poverty line, then I went home and asked my mom about it.

After several years of teachers telling me I was mistaken about our financial situation because they could tell by how I acted and my appearance that I was obviously middle class or higher I gave up joining conversations on status. Our class and culture are not simply skin tones and wealth, they are so much more than that. The way we act, what we believe, every little aspect of our lives plays into our culture. Some parts of our cultures can be changed, things like whether we believe in God. Other parts are more difficult, like wealth or race. We are all parts of many different cultures, we have the ones inside our families, the ones with our friends, the culture of our work environment. All of these cultures build on each other to mold us into who we are. Take a look at your family cultures and decide what parts of it have affected your reactions to things outside of your family. For example, in my family we wash the dishes immediately after every single meal. Because of this culture I've grown up with it drives me crazy when my husband will walk away after a meal without doing dishes.

This was just a simple little example, but it brings up the question. What part of our current cultures are we going to continue to pass on to future generations and which parts do we feel we could do without. Within my family on my mom's side we have a culture of being close knit. My mom lives on the same street as her mother and her sister and they visit each other daily as well as making frequent phone calls to other siblings. I hope to carry that emphasis of family into my own home as I raise my children. Because of our previous circumstances my family has developed a culture of humility and gratitude which I also hope to keep moving forward. Unlike the characteristics of our family culture there are some things that I hope to do without in the future. We have a tendency to be reserved and shut off from others, I hope to be able to change that and become more open in my interactions. I would also strive to set aside the need to be right. As we take a look at our current cultures we can examine what is working and what is not, then we can make changes towards forming better and more cohesive cultures in the future.

Communication is Key

This week I have been focusing the impact my communication has on my relationships. Everything we do within our families has an impact, it just may not be the impact we think. There are lots of theories involving the interaction of families, the one that catches my eye the most is the family systems theory. This theory states that,"the intimate group must be analyzed as a whole; the group has boundaries that distinguish it from other groups" (Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Robert H. Lauer & Jeanette C. Lauer, p.20).  This confused me at first, but as I dove deeper I realized how much sense it makes. According to systems theory we do not react independently of the individuals in our family and each part acts as a piece of the whole.

I decided to conduct an experiment using this theory. I used the family mapping system developed by Salvador Minuchin to map my family's relationships and subsystems at the time of my parents' divorce. (See page 236 for a family map example).  After  my map was complete I asked both of my parent if, at the time of the divorce, they perceived their relationship to be rigid, permeable/clear or poor/ diffuse. After receiving both responses I gave them a quick run down of the mapping process I asked them to each create their own. The results amazed me! While on my map I had said my parents relationship was far too open and boundaries were unclear they both thought that it was very clear. My mind was blown. This opened up a conversation as to why we each felt the way we did about the relationships. Talking about these things would have saved a lot of stress in the long run.

My little experiment got me thinking. How do I better communicate in order for my family systems to be as healthy and functioning as possible? Keep in mind that these are just my own thoughts and maybe someone out there has better ones that can help me. First I looked at my parents. My mom and I agree that we've always have a pretty clear relationship we just need to work on explaining when we're frustrated and why. My relationship with my dad is usually quite rigid on my side and diffuse on his. We talked about meeting in the middle. I need to provide more than one word responses to conversations and he needs to hold back a little bit.

I think the first step in better communication is seriously evaluating exactly where you are. Talk to others about improving the communication in your relationships, be open to their position. My husband and I sat down to evaluate how we talked to each other and we found out that when I get stressed it seems to me like he retreats to avoid confrontation. To him he is giving me the space I need because he know that often times my stress is caused by anxiety and coddling me makes it worse. I thought he didn't care enough to talk about things, but really he didn't want to stress me out more.Misconceptions like this occur all of the time in every relationship. This loop of I do things because he does things but he only does it because of what I am doing only ends if we come at situations from the other persons point of view. I know that as we strive to understand where family members are coming from we will be able to better communicate with them.

How Important is Family?

Guys! Marriage is so fun. You get to torture one person for the rest of forever and they can’t leave. Its great! I made salmon burgers yesterday and my wonderful husband actually ate them even though he hates fish. Why? Because he loves me. Being totally serious now, marriage is a lot of work and I don’t think it comes easy to anyone. Every relationship will have ups and downs and you just need to ride them out together. If I’m being completely honest that used to absolutely terrify me.  I used to be one of those people that said they would never get married. I was never against the idea of marriage, but it always scared me. I was terrified that I would become committed to this wonderful person and make plans to live happily ever after then one day it would just all end. He would wake up one morning and just wonder why he had ever married me in the first place. Now I realize that this was just one of Satan’s many tactics to destroy God’s plan for marriage and family and honestly it is concerning how well it works.

Families are being attacked from every angle these days. Within the LDS church it is common to get married young, especially for those of us attending BYU Idaho. But even within the church we are seeing couples postpone having children more and more. Why is this? Sometimes it is because it is the Lord’s plan that that family not be blessed with children yet, but more often than not it is due to people with hearts in the right place but using their heads too much. They want children, but they want to be financially stable before greeting those waiting souls. Another thing that stops couples is the fear that they will not be good enough parents. My husband and I have struggled with both of these recently. We are excited to become parents but had decided to wait until after we both have our bachelor’s degrees and are a little more financially stable. We had it all figured out. Then we actually prayed about it and got a very different answer. Once we opened our hearts instead of just coming to a conclusion with our minds we were able to comprehend the Lord’s way, and the Lord will always find a way for his work to be accomplished.

Heavenly Father wants to send as many of his precious souls as he can to good and righteous homes so even before we have children we need to prepare our homes to be like that. One way to do that is by preparing ourselves. Margaret D. Nadauld said, “The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender. There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind. There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined. We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith. We have enough greed; we need more goodness. We have enough vanity; we need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need more purity.” (The Joy of Womanhood- Margaret D. Nadauld) Think of your mother and which of those attributes she possesses. Even those of you who are single can begin building those qualities within yourselves,

One thing we hear from the church on a regular basis is that we need to bring as many children into righteous families as we can support. Sometimes as members I believe we mistake this for having a large number of children (like six or more). That is untrue. The prophets will never tell us how many children to have or when to begin having them, they will simply encourage us to make the decision prayerfully and never ignore what the Lord prompts you to do regarding children. Still sometimes we feel such a pressure to raise large families that it becomes a source of major anxiety. When I was about sixteen I had some major health problems. Because of these I almost had to get a hysterectomy in order to stay alive. I struggled because I felt like I had failed in what I was sent here to do, bear and rear children. I knew adoption was an option but its expensive and I didn’t believe I could help as many children that way. There is no one right way of having or raising a family. All that matters is that we rely on the Lord first then fulfill his plan.

I know that family is important. They can provide a great source of support. The world has a trend against families today and it is frightening. These are definitely signs of the last days. This being said do not let that discourage you. The last days are coming, but that does not make it any less important that we stand up for what we believe in and support God’s views on families. Please feel free to add your thoughts on these topics to open the discussion on this even further.