Parenting: is it worth it?

Twenty years down the road when I’m struggling with an obstinate teenager someone please remind me to come back and read this blog post. I know todays post will not apply to most of my readers right now, but some day it might and I think this information will come in handy. Also, any of you who are reading this and already parents I would love to hear your insights and know your tricks to building better relationships with your children.

                First of all why do children, especially teenagers act out? Is it because they’re just angry people who hate their parents and want everyone around them to be miserable? I don’t believe so. Michael Popkin created the active parenting approach to help parents respond better to misbehaving children. In this method he explained that children have five basic needs, and that when those needs are not met the children take a mistaken approach to obtain what they need. He calls this a mistaken approach because it is like taking soda on a hike, it will never satisfy you because it is not what you need. Popkin then gives advice on what parents should do to fill their children’s needs and avoid these mistaken approaches. First of all, children need contact and a feeling of belonging. When these are absent they turn to undue attention seeking. This usually manifests itself in children who are wiggly, climbing all over people and just a little bit obnoxious. My siblings used to climb all over missionaries or home teachers anytime they would visit our house, the more attention they got from this (which usually involved my mom yelling at them to get off) the more it occurred. Then we got a home teacher that would shake everyone’s hand the second he walked in the door and again when he would leave. After this the kids calmed down significantly. Popkin suggests that we offer contact to children freely, teach them to contribute and that their contributions mean something. My sister in law is a great example of allowing her children to contribute. My niece really wants some new play-dough, so for two weekends in a row Melissa has had her help to make cookies and lemonade to sell. My niece was told that once she saved a certain amount they could go get play-dough. Not only was she able to contribute by helping mom make cookies, but she was also responsible for earning her own money for something she wanted (plus the pictures of her at her little lemonade stand were just precious).

The second need of children is power. This power is the ability to change something in their environment by themselves. An absence of this power leads to rebellion or an attempt to control others. A solution to a child’s search for power is to offer them reasonable and realistic choices. My mom is a great example of this. Last summer she wanted to have very clear rules on electronic use, chores and bedtimes. But, she didn’t want to deal with all of the fights that would result in her just telling them what the summer rules were. Instead she told them that they were going to have a family meeting where they could present what rules they thought should be implemented and what consequences should be set in place if those rules were broken. My siblings had a blast making power point presentations and even dressing up to discuss the ideas. They then discussed all presentations and found something that made everyone happy.

These two steps to meeting the needs of your children are wonderful ways to begin. As in all things though, each child is different and those differences are what make them great. Don’t use a blanket one size fits all approach in rearing your children. Love them, pray for them and just do your best. That is all our Heavenly Father asks of us in the long run. I know that parenting is the biggest challenge we will ever face, but at the same time I am incredibly excited for it and know it is a huge blessing to raise children. I love you all and hope to hear your feedback as well! Thanks for coming on this journey with me.