Parenting: is it worth it?

Twenty years down the road when I’m struggling with an obstinate teenager someone please remind me to come back and read this blog post. I know todays post will not apply to most of my readers right now, but some day it might and I think this information will come in handy. Also, any of you who are reading this and already parents I would love to hear your insights and know your tricks to building better relationships with your children.

                First of all why do children, especially teenagers act out? Is it because they’re just angry people who hate their parents and want everyone around them to be miserable? I don’t believe so. Michael Popkin created the active parenting approach to help parents respond better to misbehaving children. In this method he explained that children have five basic needs, and that when those needs are not met the children take a mistaken approach to obtain what they need. He calls this a mistaken approach because it is like taking soda on a hike, it will never satisfy you because it is not what you need. Popkin then gives advice on what parents should do to fill their children’s needs and avoid these mistaken approaches. First of all, children need contact and a feeling of belonging. When these are absent they turn to undue attention seeking. This usually manifests itself in children who are wiggly, climbing all over people and just a little bit obnoxious. My siblings used to climb all over missionaries or home teachers anytime they would visit our house, the more attention they got from this (which usually involved my mom yelling at them to get off) the more it occurred. Then we got a home teacher that would shake everyone’s hand the second he walked in the door and again when he would leave. After this the kids calmed down significantly. Popkin suggests that we offer contact to children freely, teach them to contribute and that their contributions mean something. My sister in law is a great example of allowing her children to contribute. My niece really wants some new play-dough, so for two weekends in a row Melissa has had her help to make cookies and lemonade to sell. My niece was told that once she saved a certain amount they could go get play-dough. Not only was she able to contribute by helping mom make cookies, but she was also responsible for earning her own money for something she wanted (plus the pictures of her at her little lemonade stand were just precious).

The second need of children is power. This power is the ability to change something in their environment by themselves. An absence of this power leads to rebellion or an attempt to control others. A solution to a child’s search for power is to offer them reasonable and realistic choices. My mom is a great example of this. Last summer she wanted to have very clear rules on electronic use, chores and bedtimes. But, she didn’t want to deal with all of the fights that would result in her just telling them what the summer rules were. Instead she told them that they were going to have a family meeting where they could present what rules they thought should be implemented and what consequences should be set in place if those rules were broken. My siblings had a blast making power point presentations and even dressing up to discuss the ideas. They then discussed all presentations and found something that made everyone happy.

These two steps to meeting the needs of your children are wonderful ways to begin. As in all things though, each child is different and those differences are what make them great. Don’t use a blanket one size fits all approach in rearing your children. Love them, pray for them and just do your best. That is all our Heavenly Father asks of us in the long run. I know that parenting is the biggest challenge we will ever face, but at the same time I am incredibly excited for it and know it is a huge blessing to raise children. I love you all and hope to hear your feedback as well! Thanks for coming on this journey with me.

Fathers

This week’s topic is one that is very near and dear to my heart. I will be discussing the importance of fathers. Without a father in the home there is often times more financial stress placed on the entire family. Without someone to share financial responsibility with the mothers have to go to work, this often results in children feeling abandoned by both parents. The mother also has no one to share the burden of providing and is at greater risk for feeling depressed and overwhelmed by all of the tasks she now has to take on.

Another risk of fatherless homes is behavioral problems in children. Girls who grow up in single-mother homes have greater risk of promiscuity and sexual devience. Boys who grow up in the same situations are often more prone to violence. A Key Commonality In School Shooters The Left Refuses To Address (https://www.dailywire.com/news/27586/fatherlessness-amanda-prestigiacomo?utm_medium=email&utm_content=022718-news&utm_campaign=position3) examines how most school shooters are males who grew up without a father in the home. The article explains that this is because the boys do not have anyone to show them how to channel their testosterone and are therefore left without boundaries.

This lack of boundaries for both boys and girls leads to intimacy struggles. Because they lack an example of proper relationships and expressions of love transitioning in to intimate relationships is often full of anxiety and questions on how to proceed. Absent Fathers: Effects on Abandoned Sons (http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.1030.5399&rep=rep1&type=pdf) mentions that the birth of their first son is especially difficult for men who had no father in the home because they worry about how to connect and be a father figure.

With all of these things going on it is easy to see how children lacking a father in the home may also be struggling with self esteem. They feel like an essential piece in the puzzle of becoming a successful adult has been lost and they are not whole without it. Children also struggle with feelings of not being someone worth sticking around for, like maybe it is their fault that their father left.

When I was little I had the perfect dad. He worked hard then when he was home his attention was completely on his family. He taught me how to ride a bike, we played pranks on my mom and I always knew I could count on him to help me with my math. He was my hero and I did everything I could to make him proud. Then, around the time I was eight he had his first mental breakdown. He kind of just shut off after that. He would jump from job to job, each one requiring less and less effort. When he was home all he would do was sleep and yell. Our home became very different. By the time I was fourteen my parents separated because it was no longer a safe environment for anyone to live in. I was hurt. I used to tell people my real dad had died and been replaced by someone who looked exactly like him but was the complete opposite. I was so sad that my younger siblings would never know or remember the great dad I had, but at the same time I thought in some ways that must be easier.

In a short period of time my hurt and sadness turned into anger and resentment. I felt like he had betrayed our family and I stopped visiting him. I struggled for a long time with self esteem and relationships. I felt that if my own dad, my hero, didn’t even want me then who would. I also did not trust men, at all. I didn’t know how long they would be like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, just hiding all of their problems until it was too late and I was trapped. For this reason I vowed never get married. Slowly as I began dating my heart started to soften, then a boy would mess it up, or my dad would do something irrational again and I would be right back to my resentment. Finally, I realized that I was being more hurt by getting angry over his actions than I was by him directly. After that realization we made a rule in our house, unless dad is doing something that is directly harming you just ignore it. Its been amazing how freeing this rule is.

Now I am married to the most amazing man who is working two jobs while enrolled in school full time so that he can provide for our family. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I will encourage and support him in being a positive role model for our children. One thing I think is very important is ensuring that he always has time to interact with them. If it comes down to earning a little extra money by working on a Saturday or spending time with the kids I will always choose the family time and make it very clear to him that I do not resent it in the least.

Other things we are starting now are daily scripture study as a family and preparing family home evening lessons for the future when we have children. My dad rarely if ever joined us for family prayers, scriptures or family home evening. It is important to both of us that we have both of those along with dinner together every night. One of the best things for our children will be to see us working together as a team in love and support. I know that father’s are essential in the home and that their role is not to be undermined or taken for granted.