Fathers

This week’s topic is one that is very near and dear to my heart. I will be discussing the importance of fathers. Without a father in the home there is often times more financial stress placed on the entire family. Without someone to share financial responsibility with the mothers have to go to work, this often results in children feeling abandoned by both parents. The mother also has no one to share the burden of providing and is at greater risk for feeling depressed and overwhelmed by all of the tasks she now has to take on.

Another risk of fatherless homes is behavioral problems in children. Girls who grow up in single-mother homes have greater risk of promiscuity and sexual devience. Boys who grow up in the same situations are often more prone to violence. A Key Commonality In School Shooters The Left Refuses To Address (https://www.dailywire.com/news/27586/fatherlessness-amanda-prestigiacomo?utm_medium=email&utm_content=022718-news&utm_campaign=position3) examines how most school shooters are males who grew up without a father in the home. The article explains that this is because the boys do not have anyone to show them how to channel their testosterone and are therefore left without boundaries.

This lack of boundaries for both boys and girls leads to intimacy struggles. Because they lack an example of proper relationships and expressions of love transitioning in to intimate relationships is often full of anxiety and questions on how to proceed. Absent Fathers: Effects on Abandoned Sons (http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.1030.5399&rep=rep1&type=pdf) mentions that the birth of their first son is especially difficult for men who had no father in the home because they worry about how to connect and be a father figure.

With all of these things going on it is easy to see how children lacking a father in the home may also be struggling with self esteem. They feel like an essential piece in the puzzle of becoming a successful adult has been lost and they are not whole without it. Children also struggle with feelings of not being someone worth sticking around for, like maybe it is their fault that their father left.

When I was little I had the perfect dad. He worked hard then when he was home his attention was completely on his family. He taught me how to ride a bike, we played pranks on my mom and I always knew I could count on him to help me with my math. He was my hero and I did everything I could to make him proud. Then, around the time I was eight he had his first mental breakdown. He kind of just shut off after that. He would jump from job to job, each one requiring less and less effort. When he was home all he would do was sleep and yell. Our home became very different. By the time I was fourteen my parents separated because it was no longer a safe environment for anyone to live in. I was hurt. I used to tell people my real dad had died and been replaced by someone who looked exactly like him but was the complete opposite. I was so sad that my younger siblings would never know or remember the great dad I had, but at the same time I thought in some ways that must be easier.

In a short period of time my hurt and sadness turned into anger and resentment. I felt like he had betrayed our family and I stopped visiting him. I struggled for a long time with self esteem and relationships. I felt that if my own dad, my hero, didn’t even want me then who would. I also did not trust men, at all. I didn’t know how long they would be like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, just hiding all of their problems until it was too late and I was trapped. For this reason I vowed never get married. Slowly as I began dating my heart started to soften, then a boy would mess it up, or my dad would do something irrational again and I would be right back to my resentment. Finally, I realized that I was being more hurt by getting angry over his actions than I was by him directly. After that realization we made a rule in our house, unless dad is doing something that is directly harming you just ignore it. Its been amazing how freeing this rule is.

Now I am married to the most amazing man who is working two jobs while enrolled in school full time so that he can provide for our family. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I will encourage and support him in being a positive role model for our children. One thing I think is very important is ensuring that he always has time to interact with them. If it comes down to earning a little extra money by working on a Saturday or spending time with the kids I will always choose the family time and make it very clear to him that I do not resent it in the least.

Other things we are starting now are daily scripture study as a family and preparing family home evening lessons for the future when we have children. My dad rarely if ever joined us for family prayers, scriptures or family home evening. It is important to both of us that we have both of those along with dinner together every night. One of the best things for our children will be to see us working together as a team in love and support. I know that father’s are essential in the home and that their role is not to be undermined or taken for granted.