Becoming Fishers of Men

What does Christ mean when he asks us to become fishers of Men? Usually our response to this would be that he asks us to find lost souls who are wandering and lost.This is true, we do need to help gather Israel, but that is not all it means to feed His sheep or become fishers of men. Matthew 4:18-20 says, "And Jesus, walking by the sea of Galilee, saw two brethren, Simon called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea: for they were fishers. And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they straightway left their nets, and followed him." The disciples were not only asked to bring people to the gospel, there was also a sacrifice involved.

The first step in spreading the gospel is being prepared to give everything for it. This is why we ask young men to leave their homes, friends and families for two years in order to serve missions. We must be committed regardless of the cost. When the disciples left their nets to follow their Savior they also left the simplicity of their former life. No longer were they ordinary fishermen whose biggest concern was what their nets brought in, now they would face persecution and the loss of their greatest friend. They were willing to give it all up for what they believed to be true.

Sometimes we have a willingness to serve, the humility to give everything, but feel insecure in our own abilities. In his talk, Christlike Attributes- the Wind Beneath Our Wings, Dieter F. Uchtdorf talks of Christ's invitation for the apostles to become fishers of men. He says, "I suspect that they had a feeling of inadequacy, as I deeply have, being one who has also been called to this sacred work. May I suggest that the Savior Himself teaches us here a lesson about core doctrine and priorities in life. Individually we need to first "follow Him," and as we do this, the Savior will bless us beyond our own capacity to become what He wants us to be." While we may feel like simple fishermen Christ reveals our true potential as fishers of men.

Parenting: is it worth it?

Twenty years down the road when I’m struggling with an obstinate teenager someone please remind me to come back and read this blog post. I know todays post will not apply to most of my readers right now, but some day it might and I think this information will come in handy. Also, any of you who are reading this and already parents I would love to hear your insights and know your tricks to building better relationships with your children.

                First of all why do children, especially teenagers act out? Is it because they’re just angry people who hate their parents and want everyone around them to be miserable? I don’t believe so. Michael Popkin created the active parenting approach to help parents respond better to misbehaving children. In this method he explained that children have five basic needs, and that when those needs are not met the children take a mistaken approach to obtain what they need. He calls this a mistaken approach because it is like taking soda on a hike, it will never satisfy you because it is not what you need. Popkin then gives advice on what parents should do to fill their children’s needs and avoid these mistaken approaches. First of all, children need contact and a feeling of belonging. When these are absent they turn to undue attention seeking. This usually manifests itself in children who are wiggly, climbing all over people and just a little bit obnoxious. My siblings used to climb all over missionaries or home teachers anytime they would visit our house, the more attention they got from this (which usually involved my mom yelling at them to get off) the more it occurred. Then we got a home teacher that would shake everyone’s hand the second he walked in the door and again when he would leave. After this the kids calmed down significantly. Popkin suggests that we offer contact to children freely, teach them to contribute and that their contributions mean something. My sister in law is a great example of allowing her children to contribute. My niece really wants some new play-dough, so for two weekends in a row Melissa has had her help to make cookies and lemonade to sell. My niece was told that once she saved a certain amount they could go get play-dough. Not only was she able to contribute by helping mom make cookies, but she was also responsible for earning her own money for something she wanted (plus the pictures of her at her little lemonade stand were just precious).

The second need of children is power. This power is the ability to change something in their environment by themselves. An absence of this power leads to rebellion or an attempt to control others. A solution to a child’s search for power is to offer them reasonable and realistic choices. My mom is a great example of this. Last summer she wanted to have very clear rules on electronic use, chores and bedtimes. But, she didn’t want to deal with all of the fights that would result in her just telling them what the summer rules were. Instead she told them that they were going to have a family meeting where they could present what rules they thought should be implemented and what consequences should be set in place if those rules were broken. My siblings had a blast making power point presentations and even dressing up to discuss the ideas. They then discussed all presentations and found something that made everyone happy.

These two steps to meeting the needs of your children are wonderful ways to begin. As in all things though, each child is different and those differences are what make them great. Don’t use a blanket one size fits all approach in rearing your children. Love them, pray for them and just do your best. That is all our Heavenly Father asks of us in the long run. I know that parenting is the biggest challenge we will ever face, but at the same time I am incredibly excited for it and know it is a huge blessing to raise children. I love you all and hope to hear your feedback as well! Thanks for coming on this journey with me.

Fathers

This week’s topic is one that is very near and dear to my heart. I will be discussing the importance of fathers. Without a father in the home there is often times more financial stress placed on the entire family. Without someone to share financial responsibility with the mothers have to go to work, this often results in children feeling abandoned by both parents. The mother also has no one to share the burden of providing and is at greater risk for feeling depressed and overwhelmed by all of the tasks she now has to take on.

Another risk of fatherless homes is behavioral problems in children. Girls who grow up in single-mother homes have greater risk of promiscuity and sexual devience. Boys who grow up in the same situations are often more prone to violence. A Key Commonality In School Shooters The Left Refuses To Address (https://www.dailywire.com/news/27586/fatherlessness-amanda-prestigiacomo?utm_medium=email&utm_content=022718-news&utm_campaign=position3) examines how most school shooters are males who grew up without a father in the home. The article explains that this is because the boys do not have anyone to show them how to channel their testosterone and are therefore left without boundaries.

This lack of boundaries for both boys and girls leads to intimacy struggles. Because they lack an example of proper relationships and expressions of love transitioning in to intimate relationships is often full of anxiety and questions on how to proceed. Absent Fathers: Effects on Abandoned Sons (http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.1030.5399&rep=rep1&type=pdf) mentions that the birth of their first son is especially difficult for men who had no father in the home because they worry about how to connect and be a father figure.

With all of these things going on it is easy to see how children lacking a father in the home may also be struggling with self esteem. They feel like an essential piece in the puzzle of becoming a successful adult has been lost and they are not whole without it. Children also struggle with feelings of not being someone worth sticking around for, like maybe it is their fault that their father left.

When I was little I had the perfect dad. He worked hard then when he was home his attention was completely on his family. He taught me how to ride a bike, we played pranks on my mom and I always knew I could count on him to help me with my math. He was my hero and I did everything I could to make him proud. Then, around the time I was eight he had his first mental breakdown. He kind of just shut off after that. He would jump from job to job, each one requiring less and less effort. When he was home all he would do was sleep and yell. Our home became very different. By the time I was fourteen my parents separated because it was no longer a safe environment for anyone to live in. I was hurt. I used to tell people my real dad had died and been replaced by someone who looked exactly like him but was the complete opposite. I was so sad that my younger siblings would never know or remember the great dad I had, but at the same time I thought in some ways that must be easier.

In a short period of time my hurt and sadness turned into anger and resentment. I felt like he had betrayed our family and I stopped visiting him. I struggled for a long time with self esteem and relationships. I felt that if my own dad, my hero, didn’t even want me then who would. I also did not trust men, at all. I didn’t know how long they would be like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, just hiding all of their problems until it was too late and I was trapped. For this reason I vowed never get married. Slowly as I began dating my heart started to soften, then a boy would mess it up, or my dad would do something irrational again and I would be right back to my resentment. Finally, I realized that I was being more hurt by getting angry over his actions than I was by him directly. After that realization we made a rule in our house, unless dad is doing something that is directly harming you just ignore it. Its been amazing how freeing this rule is.

Now I am married to the most amazing man who is working two jobs while enrolled in school full time so that he can provide for our family. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I will encourage and support him in being a positive role model for our children. One thing I think is very important is ensuring that he always has time to interact with them. If it comes down to earning a little extra money by working on a Saturday or spending time with the kids I will always choose the family time and make it very clear to him that I do not resent it in the least.

Other things we are starting now are daily scripture study as a family and preparing family home evening lessons for the future when we have children. My dad rarely if ever joined us for family prayers, scriptures or family home evening. It is important to both of us that we have both of those along with dinner together every night. One of the best things for our children will be to see us working together as a team in love and support. I know that father’s are essential in the home and that their role is not to be undermined or taken for granted.

Proper Communication

Do you ever feel like you're pouring your heart out to someone and they are just not understanding. Communication is difficult, but it is also necessary in relationships. In order to communicate you need to encode a message and send it to the receiver through some sort of medium, then the receiver must decode it. A lot of issues come in when the receiver does not decode the same message that the sender encoded. Luckily in order to help us decode messages we can watch facial expressions, body language, hear the tone of their voice and receive the words they are speaking. All of these things come together to get us closer to the encoded message. This is one of the problems with texting, or even phone calls. When you use those medium it takes away one of our essential tools of decoding. 

With no visual or vocal tone cues we get easily lost and miscommunications spring up where they would easily be avoided.

So what do you do when miscommunication happens and an argument starts to arise? Let me suggest that you use the five keys of communication. First: The disarming technique. To use this you find the truth in what they’re saying, it doesn’t matter how ridiculous their words sound, there is always at least a little kernel of truth in it. So find the kernel of truth and acknowledge it. My mom is the perfect example of this. My brother would throw a fit every time he got in trouble, whining that she hated him and he was always punished more and on and on. She told him that he was right, he does get punished more than the rest of us. He was stunned.  This will throw them off so much that it will give you the opportunity to move on to step two. Step two is to have empathy with their thoughts and feelings. My mother instantly swooped in and said that it must be hard to feel picked on all the time. She then transitioned effortlessly into step three which is a gentle inquiry. She asked him what they could possible do together to make it better, asked what made him lash out in the first place so that he was punished. They talked for a while about he felt. Them came step four, an I feel statement. These statements are best formatted as When  _____________ I feel___________ because________ I would like__________.  This step is very tricky, it is not meant to assign blame or make them feel bad, it is meant to clearly explain your feelings. The statement my mon gave was something like this, When you misbehave then yell at me I feel upset because it makes me think that I was not a good enough parent and that I did not do enough to teach you I would like for us to both use our words and hopefully you can talk to me instead of lashing out. Step number five is to express genuine appreciation and admiration. She told him that she really loves having him as part of the family and that she would never want to do anything to hurt him. The biggest key to that is that she was genuine and sincere.

The Family Under Attack

Sometimes our families find opposition from outside sources, but often times the biggest family crisis come from within. In my family we have seen many of these crises. One of the biggest ones was my parents’ divorce due to my father's mental instability. It was unsafe for the family to stay with him, so my mom had to make the very difficult decision to leave. This was hard on our family for so many reasons, but I found it very odd exactly how differently each of us reacted to the stress and pressure. After the move I felt like I had finally found my place in the world. I felt like I had more freedom now that there was an increase in security. My brother just younger than me reacted with anger and resentment with my mom and did everything he could think of to make her go back to my dad. Then there were my two little sisters, they both suffered from serious attachment issues and would latch onto any adult male that entered their lives. It baffled me that I could feel so liberated while the rest of my family felt beaten down by this. This can all be explained by the ABCX model that was developed by Rueben Hill (1958). This model says that Actual events plus Both resources and responses plus Cognitions equals total eXperience.  This means that events do not solely create emotions, but rather thoughts about the events play a major role in shaping our emotions about them. I was the only one of my siblings who fully understood why we left and that made it easier for me to appreciate the sacrifices my mom had made to protect our family. I had also decided to use this as an opportunity to grow myself. A lot of the outcomes, or our overall experiences, rely upon our agency to choose. As we realized how we think greatly affects how we perceive events. I would suggest then that exercising true agency requires mastery over your mind and thoughts. If you master your mind then once was a daunting task or tragic crisis can now be seen as a wonderous blessing.

            In the November 2005 Ensign Elder M. Russell Ballard wrote an article titled “What Matters Most Is What Lasts Longest” (which I would suggest you all read).  In it he said that “Crisis or transition of any kind reminds us of what matters most. In the routine of life, we often take our families- our parents and children and siblings for granted. But in times of danger and need and change, there is no question that what we care about most is our families! It will be even more so when we leave this life and enter into the spirit world. Surely the first people we will seek to find there will be father, mother, spouse, children, and siblings.” In times of a family crisis we have the ability to come out stronger as a family unit than we were before. As we cope with situations together we can use each other as a support and strength. Coping does not merely mean getting by. Look at a coping saw for example, it is sturdy enough that it won’t break, but it is also flexible enough to cut intricate designs and patterns. To cope is to intentionally build something that will protect and grow. As families cope together they will be able to repair any damage from the crisis as well as build something even stronger and more beautiful. My family is now happy and we have all said on separate occasions that the divorce was a great blessing in strengthening our families. Just like diamonds are forged under pressure we can only grow and recognize our full divine potential through opposition and resistance. So next time you are faced with a daunting mountain take a deep breath, master your mind and press forward with faith that this is making you stronger.

Sex Education

I know that some of the people that read my blog may have a problem with how bluntly I am going to discuss some of the topics in this post, but that’s ok because sometimes you just have to be direct and say things. Today’s topic is important enough that it cannot be sugar coated or skirted around. Today I will be talking about sex. Did you know that many sex education programs are showing pornography and teaching children things such as how to masturbate? Children as young as kindergarteners. If this does not concern you then I am concerned about you. Many people believe that the sooner we “educate” children on every aspect of sexuality the better off they are. In contrast research has shown that premature exposure to sex leads children to feel isolated and vulnerable. Children who had their first sexual experience at an early age felt as if they had all of their power taken away while those who encourage these sex ed programs believe that it empowers children. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has put out a manuscript outlining proper and age appropriate guideline’s for sex education of children. It is called a Parent’s Guide (https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng).

Once children grow up and get married sex is good in that relationship, but new problems set in. The biggest issue is that of fidelity. Fidelity means faithfulness or exactness. One comparison is listening to records versus music today produced through our phones or radios. On a record what you hear is what there is, pure and unaltered. Today music can be autotuned and altered so that we cannot trust what is original. Fidelity is not simply not cheating, it is remaining true and open to your partner in all things. When we start sharing feelings and personal experiences with anyone besides our spouse an inappropriate relationship begins to form. In our marriages we need to remain cautious to keep our spouses the first ones we go to in all things. Throughout our lives we can be greatly impacted by sexual activities and we need to be cautious  and use wise judgement.

Transitions of Relationships

I must admit, the transition from engagement to marriage was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Part of that is due to all of the roles that have to change in order to form this new family. One thing we struggled with (and still are struggling with sometimes) was setting new boundaries for our mothers. Both of us have very strong relationships with our moms. I have had a very independent relationship from my mom for quite a while, but getting married meant that I would never be able to move back to Canada. The distance and separation is difficult. Then we have my husband who is definitely a momma’s boy. During our engagement we had a few problems with that. He had to learn to talk to me before going to her with problems. Another transition was talking to each other about concerns instead of just venting to friends.

I did not realize until after we were married how much should have been discussed beforehand and how much we still had to figure out. If I can offer a word of advice, discuss budgets and boundaries extensively during engagement because those things are harder to do in practice than they are to plan out with words. Being a fiancé means that you are still pretty independent, but during this stage you need to start becoming one with your future spouse because once you’re there it is so much more difficult to establish. Another thing we had to learn to do was share space together. Which in theory sounds lovely but is ultimately harder than expected.

Just before we got married we were sitting on the couch one day and Jonathon says he found some cute couch pillows. I commented that we didn’t even have a couch yet, but he said that didn’t matter because we were creating a home together. This really hit me. Anyone who knows me knows that I can be a little bit of an OCD control freak. I already had most of the furniture for our house and had the entire place set up and decorated in my mind. I realized that in order to make it our home we needed to do all things as a team, this included setting up our home. We unpacked together and got everything set up together. Now we both feel like it is our space instead of my house that he happens to live in as well.

The main thing in forming this new relationship and boundaries is just communicating. Talk to your partner. Show them that your relationship means enough to you that you are willing to listen to them. Be their partner in all things and respect them. Above all else this will create a lasting and loving relationship that will perpetuate into eternity.